The Search For An Escape

I made a mistake.

I ended up giving into the "Nice-but-a-bitch-when-drunk" girl, and it went terribly wrong. We went for a simple meal together, and things were going swimmingly well. We chatted for an hour before even ordering, had an amazing meal, and found out we had so much in common.

Her aims in life seem to be roughly the same as mine. It's also interesting to note that she is sick of the scene, as she has a semi reputation there. It was one of those talks where you divulge so much, and you both get wrapped up in the conversation that you don't notice anything around you. I felt myself falling big time.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

We ordered some wine with desert, and I'd had a couple of glasses, but noticed every now and then that she was drinking *way* faster than what I was. We went through the jolly stages of alcohol, and I stayed there; until she started getting way loud. All of a sudden she randomly started ranting and raving about her ex, and about how much of a bitch she had been to her (three years ago, might I add) and that she hated women.

I endured this for a while, just to be polite, until all of a sudden she turned on me for looking at and talking to another woman (might I also add here that said woman was the male waitress, who I asked for a glass of water) and about how much of a slut I am (excuse me.....what?) and that I'm "Just like the rest of them" and how "I deserve to rot in hell". She was being overly mean, and was making a scene in front of the restaurant, so much so that I thought that the waiters might have to intervene.

Now, I'm not a mean person, but when she left to go to the bathroom, I quickly swiped her cell from the table, and found my number and deleted it. I also did the same to mine. I left a quick note on the table explaining that I had to leave as I felt uncomfortable and not at all safe. I also left enough money for a cab for her, as I wanted to try and put my mind at ease that she'd get back to her place ok.

I'm feeling kind of guilty; I think that the actions I took were the right ones, but I'm not overly sure. Her place isn't far from mine, so I took a quick drive by to see if she got back ok, and she was on her lawn with her dog, so I know she is safe. I just feel......well.......bad.

I know there is no way that we can make this work, I mean, for a second official date, I think that was pretty much over as soon as it began. But I feel guilty for how she is/isn't feeling now.

I know that she has been bitching about me on the gay scene, as I have heard a few rumours. Some saying that I slept with her multiple times (I never slept with her), some saying that I left with someone from the restaurant that I had been talking to (would that be the male waiter?) and others just saying how much of a bitch I am.

Any thoughts/suggestions would be much appreciated, even if it is telling me how much of a heartless bitch I am.

E

A Search For An Answer

So, over a week has past. Have there been mistakes? Yes. Has there been triumph? Maybe... Have there been hangovers aplenty? Oh yes.

Last time I posted, I declared I was going out, and that there may be a drunken post to follow. There almost was, it was typed and everything. I made myself wait till the morning to post it, and I'm so glad I did. You would have made no sense of it at all. Thank you small conscience for remaining after plentiful amounts of alcohol.

It was a good night, unfortunately the girl from the previous post was there, trying to "shake her thang" (her words, not mine) of which I ignored as I was determined to try and have good night. The ex was also there, shoving her tongue down that nights conquest. Not cool. I mean seriously, five girls, one week? Dude.

So, I was surrounded by my straight pals, the ex, and *that* girl. A certain brunette caught my eye who, from what I remember, seemed quite attractive. I performed the whole "smouldering eyed look" (by smouldering, I clearly mean "drunken struggling to see, I think I'm sexy but I'm really not, look") and, by Jesus, it worked! I made out with her for a while (oh my god, she had a tongue piercing!), got her number and casually left the club at the end of the night, looking forward to sending her a message the next day.

I did, and we've been messaging, and agreed to meet for a drink. We agreed on a time, a place, etc. Then I messaged her a couple of days later to confirm, and there has been no reply. Ho hum.

*Now, lets rewind to a few months back, before "A search for love" started. The ex and I had broken up (a very amiable split, I wasn't the one for her, she loved me but wasn't crazy about me and all that jazz) and I took myself out to the nearest gay bar. I stumbled (Literally. Break ups, alcohol and heels never work) upon a nice lady whom I chatted to all evening. We exchanged names, declared our love of the internet, and just spoke about nothing for an hour or so. I in no way was flirting, I was just having a nice chat with someone whilst my GayManNo.1 was in the bathroom and flirting with some guy. That was all.....*

Last week I received a message from, oh look who it is, nice woman from the bar. We've been sending messages back and forth all week, and it seems like we have a lot in common. I didn't remember her or anything about her, to be honest, but from the messages, profile, and of course pictures, she seems really nice. But (and there always is one) she is ten years older.

Being ten years older does not, in any way, bother me. It's not an age thing that is setting of warnings in my head, it's more of an expectations thing. She might expect more from me, wanting to move things faster, grown up things. Wine tasting nights. Children. Those scary things in life which you hold back on until the later stages of twenty. Things which are really scary to think about when 22 (Yes! 22! It was my birthday this week!). I'm still messaging her, and I'm holding back on agreeing to meet until I have thought it over a little bit more.


Lets move forward to the middle of the week. *That* girl (previous post -"oh so wrong for me" girl) texted me asking for a friendly drink. I debated for a while, and decided it would be nice to get away from studying for a while. I promised myself I wouldn't drink.

I drank. A lot.

Unfortunately, so did she. It turns out I like the girl, but, as she drinks, she gets nasty. I mean, whoa, nasty. I'm not sure what to do about this, and I'm becoming more attracted to her. I know I can't change her. What can I say? I'm a sucker for tortured souls!

So, readers, here is the question; Which of these ladies do I pursue?

Lady number one: The non replier of text messages
Lady number two: The older woman
Lady number three: The drunk, yet really nice when sober , girl.

Answers on a postcard.

Adding to this, I'm heading out again tonight. I wonder what will happen. Oh! I know....a hangover and many more questions.

A search for a point.

Hurrumph. It seems that every time I get somewhere, and something almost happens with someone, something goes wrong.

Now, I know I'm not the most perfect person in the world, I know I have countless flaws in my personality that might, well, make people run away when they get to know me. What I don't get is the drought that is happening in my life at the moment.

I'm in no way vain, and in no way think that I am "hot", but I don't think I am unattractive, and is only in the recent weeks that I have noticed that I am attractive, and that is mainly because people are telling me this. So what I don't get, is why I can't meet *anyone*.

Well, that is a lie. I did meet someone when out with a group of friends. Turned out they were the wrong someone in so many ways. What those friends don't seem to get is why. They question me because I want to be with someone, but then are annoyed with me when I don't want to be with certain people.

So what makes a person the one? How do we know that we can spend time with them, and continue to explore the relationship which blossoms, and how do we know when to leave it, and discover that it is completely fruitless?

I'm going out tonight. Maybe I'll have osme more clues by the end of it.

Expect a drunken post.