A Search For Backup

Wow. It has been a long long week. Thank you all for your messages of niceness on here and Afterellen.com regarding my reactions to the “Not so nice when drunk” girl, and for anyone enjoying that chapter of my life, have I got a story for you….

On the 3^rd December, at about 10pm, I heard some noise outside my front door. Naturally, I was all “What the fuck?” so I grabbed the handy hockey stick, and opened the door, to reveal a nice large empty bottle of Vodka, and “Not so nice when drunk girl”, who I shall now call Jekylla (Jekyll is too manly). Jekylla was lying there, pretty much out of it, and harping on about how much of a whore I was, and that I should never have left her etc. When she looked up at me, she did a complete personality switch (surprise, surprise) and tried to be nice, saying that she had so much to prove to me, and that she’s nothing without me.

Naturally my first instinct was to slam the door and call the police. But…..no. I’m stupid. I invited her in, and gave her coffee, which she spilt all over when collapsing on the sofa. I let her stay the night (I had no option, there was no way of moving her from the sofa) and woke up to find her gone in the morning, and a note with a rushed scribbled “Thanks” on.

So, I thought, leave it, it’s over. Nothing more to be done, hopefully she’ll come to her senses (more fool me) and that’ll be that. On the 5^th December 4am (Yes, 4!!) she turned up again and was trying to break the door down, and shouting obscenities, forcing the whole neighbourhood out of their beds.

Naturally, this time I did call the police. I know it may have been a little drastic, but I felt unsafe again. I feel bad about it, and I know that she will be exceptionally angry, but I have also filed a restraining order. Hopefully that will pan out for the best. I could really do with this not being in my life right now, especially over the festive season.

What do you all think? Do you think the order was too far?

Ooh! Ooh! I almost forgot! I met someone! I think. We’re only one date in (which was fantastic – they took me on a road trip; it was amazing) but we shall see how the next date will go, which is tomorrow, and I will let you all know!

The Search For An Escape

I made a mistake.

I ended up giving into the "Nice-but-a-bitch-when-drunk" girl, and it went terribly wrong. We went for a simple meal together, and things were going swimmingly well. We chatted for an hour before even ordering, had an amazing meal, and found out we had so much in common.

Her aims in life seem to be roughly the same as mine. It's also interesting to note that she is sick of the scene, as she has a semi reputation there. It was one of those talks where you divulge so much, and you both get wrapped up in the conversation that you don't notice anything around you. I felt myself falling big time.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

We ordered some wine with desert, and I'd had a couple of glasses, but noticed every now and then that she was drinking *way* faster than what I was. We went through the jolly stages of alcohol, and I stayed there; until she started getting way loud. All of a sudden she randomly started ranting and raving about her ex, and about how much of a bitch she had been to her (three years ago, might I add) and that she hated women.

I endured this for a while, just to be polite, until all of a sudden she turned on me for looking at and talking to another woman (might I also add here that said woman was the male waitress, who I asked for a glass of water) and about how much of a slut I am (excuse me.....what?) and that I'm "Just like the rest of them" and how "I deserve to rot in hell". She was being overly mean, and was making a scene in front of the restaurant, so much so that I thought that the waiters might have to intervene.

Now, I'm not a mean person, but when she left to go to the bathroom, I quickly swiped her cell from the table, and found my number and deleted it. I also did the same to mine. I left a quick note on the table explaining that I had to leave as I felt uncomfortable and not at all safe. I also left enough money for a cab for her, as I wanted to try and put my mind at ease that she'd get back to her place ok.

I'm feeling kind of guilty; I think that the actions I took were the right ones, but I'm not overly sure. Her place isn't far from mine, so I took a quick drive by to see if she got back ok, and she was on her lawn with her dog, so I know she is safe. I just feel......well.......bad.

I know there is no way that we can make this work, I mean, for a second official date, I think that was pretty much over as soon as it began. But I feel guilty for how she is/isn't feeling now.

I know that she has been bitching about me on the gay scene, as I have heard a few rumours. Some saying that I slept with her multiple times (I never slept with her), some saying that I left with someone from the restaurant that I had been talking to (would that be the male waiter?) and others just saying how much of a bitch I am.

Any thoughts/suggestions would be much appreciated, even if it is telling me how much of a heartless bitch I am.

E

A Search For The Scene

I've decided that, for now, I will be leaving the three girls from the last post to another day. I'm appreciating all of the advice that has been flooding the email, the private messaging on After Ellen, and the couple of private comments on here.

I'm going to wait until there is more of a broad opinion of which path I should take. Never fear ASFL readers, I will be documenting it all in here. All of the ups and downs, embarrasments and "Oh my god, she didn't?" moments. As a side note; take a quick look over to the right, and you can now subscribe to the posts by email/RSS, a nifty device which I thought I should add to the blog.

So, how are things in the search? Well, there hasn't been much improvement. I went out after posting the blog, as promised, got drunk, had a good time, and got a couple of girls numbers. Unfortunately, I got drunk enough to drop my cell down a vent in the sidewalk, which has messed plans up with getting in contact with those girls.

I lose at all things in life when it comes to dating. For christs sake, I can't even get the mobile containing the numbers home, never mind a girl home. Jeez.

I think my next step should be to head out to a few new places, join a couple of clubs, get out more. Eventually I've come to realize that being surrounded by my straight friends is not always the best option when wanting to date. It took me three months to realize this. Once again, I lose.
So how do you go about making gay friends? Don't get me wrong, I have friends which are gay, but most of them are all smug gays with their smug relationships. Boo to you! Boo! I've been delving into it recently, trying to make an action plan of what to do, where to go etc etc. Firstly, I think that trying out different gay bars would be the best option. At the moment, I tend to frequent one in a city which has a gay scene of around 20 bars/clubs. For I am a fool. The second step is definitely to get out there more, interact in different ways. I have been looking into gay friendly sports teams (I suck at sports. Seriously. You'd rather have a drag queen wearing six inch heels in goal than me), Gay friendly book reading (What? I have to read a book and it isn't even about gays? Boo!) and Gay meet ups (Bah!! Lots of people!! Bah!!) which I don't think are the right routes for me at the moment....

So, readers, once again I rely on your handy selves. As most of my readers are heading over from Afterellen.com - How would you go about integrating yourself into the gay scene? Any suggestions?

I think that one of my worries about being out on the scene, is getting too involved within it. I know friends who have worked for years to be integrated within the scene, and then have come to regret it, learning that everyone who they have been with, has ultimately been with everybody else. Is there anyway to avoid this? Surely the only way to do this would be to stay away from the scene, which would then prevent anyone from dating. Plus, if everyone has been involved with everyone, how do you know who to trust? Who has the hidden agenda hiding away, or even if they have an agenda at all?

It's all very confusing, and nerve wracking, but I'm sure that after a few spirits knocked back, I'll have the confidence to get out there.

As we can all see, this search is revealing me as turning me into an alcoholic. Huzzah!

A Search For An Answer

So, over a week has past. Have there been mistakes? Yes. Has there been triumph? Maybe... Have there been hangovers aplenty? Oh yes.

Last time I posted, I declared I was going out, and that there may be a drunken post to follow. There almost was, it was typed and everything. I made myself wait till the morning to post it, and I'm so glad I did. You would have made no sense of it at all. Thank you small conscience for remaining after plentiful amounts of alcohol.

It was a good night, unfortunately the girl from the previous post was there, trying to "shake her thang" (her words, not mine) of which I ignored as I was determined to try and have good night. The ex was also there, shoving her tongue down that nights conquest. Not cool. I mean seriously, five girls, one week? Dude.

So, I was surrounded by my straight pals, the ex, and *that* girl. A certain brunette caught my eye who, from what I remember, seemed quite attractive. I performed the whole "smouldering eyed look" (by smouldering, I clearly mean "drunken struggling to see, I think I'm sexy but I'm really not, look") and, by Jesus, it worked! I made out with her for a while (oh my god, she had a tongue piercing!), got her number and casually left the club at the end of the night, looking forward to sending her a message the next day.

I did, and we've been messaging, and agreed to meet for a drink. We agreed on a time, a place, etc. Then I messaged her a couple of days later to confirm, and there has been no reply. Ho hum.

*Now, lets rewind to a few months back, before "A search for love" started. The ex and I had broken up (a very amiable split, I wasn't the one for her, she loved me but wasn't crazy about me and all that jazz) and I took myself out to the nearest gay bar. I stumbled (Literally. Break ups, alcohol and heels never work) upon a nice lady whom I chatted to all evening. We exchanged names, declared our love of the internet, and just spoke about nothing for an hour or so. I in no way was flirting, I was just having a nice chat with someone whilst my GayManNo.1 was in the bathroom and flirting with some guy. That was all.....*

Last week I received a message from, oh look who it is, nice woman from the bar. We've been sending messages back and forth all week, and it seems like we have a lot in common. I didn't remember her or anything about her, to be honest, but from the messages, profile, and of course pictures, she seems really nice. But (and there always is one) she is ten years older.

Being ten years older does not, in any way, bother me. It's not an age thing that is setting of warnings in my head, it's more of an expectations thing. She might expect more from me, wanting to move things faster, grown up things. Wine tasting nights. Children. Those scary things in life which you hold back on until the later stages of twenty. Things which are really scary to think about when 22 (Yes! 22! It was my birthday this week!). I'm still messaging her, and I'm holding back on agreeing to meet until I have thought it over a little bit more.


Lets move forward to the middle of the week. *That* girl (previous post -"oh so wrong for me" girl) texted me asking for a friendly drink. I debated for a while, and decided it would be nice to get away from studying for a while. I promised myself I wouldn't drink.

I drank. A lot.

Unfortunately, so did she. It turns out I like the girl, but, as she drinks, she gets nasty. I mean, whoa, nasty. I'm not sure what to do about this, and I'm becoming more attracted to her. I know I can't change her. What can I say? I'm a sucker for tortured souls!

So, readers, here is the question; Which of these ladies do I pursue?

Lady number one: The non replier of text messages
Lady number two: The older woman
Lady number three: The drunk, yet really nice when sober , girl.

Answers on a postcard.

Adding to this, I'm heading out again tonight. I wonder what will happen. Oh! I know....a hangover and many more questions.

A search for a point.

Hurrumph. It seems that every time I get somewhere, and something almost happens with someone, something goes wrong.

Now, I know I'm not the most perfect person in the world, I know I have countless flaws in my personality that might, well, make people run away when they get to know me. What I don't get is the drought that is happening in my life at the moment.

I'm in no way vain, and in no way think that I am "hot", but I don't think I am unattractive, and is only in the recent weeks that I have noticed that I am attractive, and that is mainly because people are telling me this. So what I don't get, is why I can't meet *anyone*.

Well, that is a lie. I did meet someone when out with a group of friends. Turned out they were the wrong someone in so many ways. What those friends don't seem to get is why. They question me because I want to be with someone, but then are annoyed with me when I don't want to be with certain people.

So what makes a person the one? How do we know that we can spend time with them, and continue to explore the relationship which blossoms, and how do we know when to leave it, and discover that it is completely fruitless?

I'm going out tonight. Maybe I'll have osme more clues by the end of it.

Expect a drunken post.

An Online Search

I recently decided to use Myspace's browsing feature to see how many Lesbians were in my area.

The answer? Lots.

Wading through them seemed like a daunting task. I changed it so that they were closer to me. Turns out I knew them all. Well, that's no good, is it? I browsed through a few more, until I saw *the* pretty girl. Hmm. Now what?

It seems like online dating is becoming more and more popular, especially when you are part of a minority. It gives you contacts without the legwork. But how do you distinguish who is worth messaging? What if they know someone who you know?

Remember those moments when you are in a bar, you see someone you like and you give them the eye? You then have that moment when you decided whether or not you should go over there and talk to them. Well, it seems like online dating is just the same. But worse.

The rejection process isn't instant. It is drawn out over weeks of checking your mailbox for messages. Surely this isn't healthy, you ask yourself. Maybe they have lost their internet connection? Argh, my profile picture makes me look fat, etc etc. At least when you are in a bar, you can be rejected, or even accepted, instantly.

I never sent the message to the pretty girl on myspace. Maybe I should. Some would say that maybe I should leave the house instead and see if there are real life pretty girls at the bar.

Some would be right.

The Beginning

I'm a 21 year old Lesbian (yes, it does deserve to be a capital) who has fallen into a rut. After a pretty intense year and a half long relationship, I found myself staying in, lurking on the internet, and not making any attempt to get out there.

It wasn't until lurking around on the Afterellen.com forums, and reading the "What you remember about her" topic, that I realized I was wasting away, and apart from that one relationship, I had nothing to remember about anyone.

So, this is where I am now, on the look for love. Forcing myself to get back out on the scene, forcing myself to find another woman. Aided by my straight companions, the ex, and luck itself, hopefully we'll get somewhere.

Even if not, it should be a barrel of laughs, awkward situations, embarrassments and a fair few hangovers, all documented to look back and cringe, laugh, and hopefully have some fantastic memories.

This is my search for love.